—- caution —— sarcasm —– attempt at humor —— proceed with caution
The Hitchhikers Guide to Defending Yourself
Against a self righteous environmental zealots
– Abridged addition-
The world is full of dangerous people and in this particular day and age we have environmentalist greeny types who want to convert us all to bicycle driving, solar powered, composting folks who leave no trace. I hear their message and present to you my strategy for you to deal with them. Good Luck.
Chapter 1 – Understand Them
Understand that they mean you know harm (note play on words, your choice how you want to take this). The green folks actually have an inner belief that the world is in deep, deep trouble and because they have seen our people sacrifice trees, plants, animals and species all in the name of progress they have assumed we support an all-out destruction in exchange for a good time. If you have ever heard the song lyrics, “we’re here for a good time, not a long time” by Trooper you have a glimmer of their understanding of us. They wrongly assume that the litter continually scattered about, excessive driving and constant purchase-waste cycle is a symptom of a sick society and we simply need to help them and ease their pain. Show them a listening ear that understands their concerns.
If at this first stage of dialogue they see right through your attempt and begin to use words that you don’t understand, that might be insults to your intelligence, then ask them what their role in the world would have been during middle ages? If they say anything other than kitchen labourer or stable boy lambaste them for the oppression of the lesser kinds and slowly slip away while they ponder whether your comment has any value.
If on the other hand the conversation is going well and the greenery is feeling comfortable with you go on to chapter 2.
Chapter 2 – Ease Their Pain
In the Art of War (Today’s English Translation: http://suntzusaid.com/) Sun Tzu spoke very wisely of our need to be strategic with the enemy:
“Indirect tactics, efficiently applied, are inexhaustible as Heaven and Earth, unending as the flow of rivers and streams; like the sun and moon, they end but to begin anew; like the four seasons, they pass away to return once more.
There are not more than five musical notes, yet the combinations of these five give rise to more melodies than can ever be heard.
There are not more than five primary colors (blue, yellow, red, white, and black), yet in combination they produce more hues than can ever been seen.
There are not more than five cardinal tastes (sour, acrid, salt, sweet, bitter), yet combinations of them yield more flavors than can ever be tasted.
In battle, there are not more than two methods of attack: the direct and the indirect; yet these two in combination give rise to an endless series of maneuvers. ” Sun Tzu – The Art of War
You just have to love that ancient chinese battle cry, don’t you. Makes me want to go out and buy a tank, but I digress.
First, do not start thinking that you can merely tell the green folk that they are wrong but rather take a multi-prong approach (see Sun Tzu above). Whilst explaining to them that scientists often get confused help them ease their pain and explain that the governments have their best interests well in hand. Help them relax and feel permitted to consume meat regularly, eat/drink/etc various dairy products in various forms for various meals/ailments/armaments. They need to understand that the pain they are feeling is from taking on too many of the worlds woes and they need to trust bureaucrats who love red tape and pondering research and direction. Then, once they are agreeing with you about their burdensome lonely journey on the road to save the planet, slowly undermine their belief in the unknowns. Remind them of how low the road is on the tiresome process of defending a future and wisdom that is well beyond their abilities and comprehension. You will find them entering a state of confidence in your leadership.
Chapter 3 – Entice, Entertain and Envy [EEE]
After you have whipped the green people into a state of submission to your wisdom, shock and awe then you must dazzle them with your best TVs, music, electronics, toys, gadgets, cars, sailboats, skooters, jetskis and all other manners of personal entertainment that serves no other purpose but to make you happy for a moment at a time. When they are smiling, laughing and on top of the world, remind them that this is all yours and they too could have the same possessions. However, they do not, and will not, unless they too digest the world and leave its wastes elsewhere never to be remembered, otherwise known as earn and conquer.
Chapter 3 – Follow-up.
It is important that after your first EEE intervention that you follow up with repeated bursts of EEE with the latest gadgets, upgrades and stories of heroic entertainment that give your greeny more reasons to turn away from the green side and continue on the path of fun.
Chapter 4 – Caution
It should be noted that throughout this process there is a risk that your former greeny out does you. If you have been reading along the way converting a greeny please don’t try to thwart the effort. They will simply end up trying to convert you, and you will get a headache. If you are truly successful you will end up in the envy of their non-green lifestyle.
We ask you to not look at any books titled “Simple Living” or books written by Henry David Thoreau during this time but rather that you simply put your head down, work hard and keep making payments until you get a promotion, win the lottery or gain an inheritance and then you are back in the game again.Go team.
Chapter 5 – Befriending Old People to Increase your chances of Multiple Inheritance
As stated in chapter 4 you will need more money . . . . . .